Damaged beyond repair

I have tried so many times to understand why he does what he does or how he justifies his actions to himself an others. What I do know is that no matter how broken your family really is on the inside, it was instilled in you that you will and do act as though it is perfect on the outside when outsiders are concerned. So when I say it out loud that I ever even went about trying to fix myself to accommodate the dysfunctional ways of your family, it shouldn’t surprise anyone to know he only went out of his way to expose and exploit my weaknesses, and even though it was so very painful, I had made myself believe it was a good thing finding all the flaws and everything broken meant I could work on myself to become a better person for myself my daughters my future and even him all these flaws that I didn’t even know existed at the time just for his advantage in the long run.

Unfortunately I finally hit my rock bottom, lower than I ever in all my life imagined or believed possible. When I finally made it to this dark place you made your calculated move like it was just some chess game that without hesitation you went for the kill without missing a beat or showing emotion what so ever.

I realized that I needed to allow myself the time and space to heal, but only recently have I realized that to fully heal, I have to start loving myself and taking care of my own needs. And knowing that it was possible to do this. Shutting my emotions off was never the answer, I have to learn how to manage what to hold in and what to let out and I will probably get this wrong more than I get it right but I cannot continue any other way because this behavior only continued to give you power over me and my emotions. The punishment for this has gone on for too long weakening me almost to nothing, and now I am speaking out and reaching forward in hopes that it will actually empower me.

Surprisingly I have found that many many people have experienced relationships with someone just like you and as much as I know how uncomfortable it makes you for me to publicly paint your name and actions as vividly as I still remember them, I do not care because you failed at your attempt to brainwash me, even if it did come close, none the less you failed to actually succeed at doing so. You are not such a master manipulator after all. No one likes to hear the truth as the saying goes, but really people want to hear the hard truth no matter how hard. Because you see, the thing I have learned about lies and half-truths is that they can only hold on for so long because eventually the truth is going to come out full blown.

“A lie can travel half way around the world before the truth starts to put on its shoes”

The reality of it is that your know exactly what you are no matter how hard you try to pretend there is no cure for damaged shell of a person you are and will always gravitate towards because of its allure to you. You will always attempt to hide this major flaw to fool someone into thinking that you are a saint and you had your pick of who ended up with you, then you met me and when your true colors came out is when you went into over drive in an attempt to break me so that you could get away with it again and have the chance to prey on another victim. Only you failed to calculated the fact that you wanted your cake an eat it too. You didn’t want to lose a child for a third time and so you have had to put your focus solely on making sure you appear to be what your truly are not.

As messed up as this may seem for me to say considering all things involved with what I have said about you but after so long its normal for a male or female to seek a relationship with someone for intimate needs whether emotionally or physically, I have no matter the injustice and pain I endure from you keeping my child from me, but you on the other hand have directed your full undivided attention to appearing as though you are a model father not for the purpose of the child involved but for the approval and praise from your parents that you have lacked to receive most of your life and losing it now would be unthinkable, and whether or not you realize it that unhealthy fantasy world you are consumed by and obsessed with will eventually come crashing down.

Unfortunately I almost allowed you to break me completely but I found the will to get back up on my feet and put one foot in front of the other and what you will eventually realize sooner than later is that you met your match. You path you chose was really just a cowardly way and a day of reckoning is on its way where all the hidden truths will come to light, and someone will get hurt, but I assure you this time it won’t be me or my fault. You are going to wish you dealt with things in a much better way instead of telling lies that let you have your way that in the end when its all said and done will have been very short lived because your lies will simple make an already open wound fester to the point of amputation making it impossible for you to do some damage control in order to deal with it and come out on top.

How long does it take to heal.

I am sure that some people especially to people who my abuser has fooled that I am just trying to start drama or that I am over telling it but if that is the case why does it still cause me to feel suffocated at times or completely paralyzed from any emotion other than that of just utter loss and disgust and empty.  And the thinking that I should keep it all in has just about eaten me alive from the inside out.  It took a year and a half but I am truly at a breaking point. I have internalized hurt for so long since my youth years to the point that I am physically and mentally unable to maintain. I’ve began to do something I would have never thought I could do and it’s not drugs or alcohol or anything that hurts another person. But because this blog is public I can’t risk saying.

I have tried to take people’s advice and focus all my attention for both daughters on the one that I have in arm’s length. Is that really the answer or healthy for either of us?

I  am losing myself because I have allowed so many attacks on my well-being.  My minds constant companion is definitely fear induced, fear of it all being purposeless.  Its been like a never-ending battle for acceptance and approval of the choices I made in my life. My rhythm in this madness was really a subconscious inner child that had emotional wounds, that I constantly sensed it was based on others needs.  Now I realize as a adult that  it was my way of coping with my situation as a child causing my personal growth to be very fragile and this discovery felt very demeaning and a ridicule leaving my confidence to feel ashamed which programmed a fear that I was a worthless failure, when actually I was not that at all.

Growing up I had trouble to understanding myself, but fast forward I know myself very well at this point in my life.  I am a complicated individual and I’ll be the first to admit that.  My present demeanor may be disheveled at time but my memory is sharp as a tack, always have been because I am without a doubt a strong person, I know this because throughout the years I’ve faced many, many, many challenges both emotional and physically, but when met with the option to sink or swim, when it came to the injustices in my life I always paddled on.  No matter how personal life got, it was never to personal for me to share, but then lost until now because I had and even still have faith in humanity even if we live in a world that is relentless and can be very cruel.

 

 

Friends these days…

There are a whole lot of things that simply don’t make sense, whether we like to admit it or not, until you’ve live a life to some degree. Reading about life isn’t living it. Just like a child no matter how smart, is never more mature than his or her years and experience. So with me saying that from the perspective of a person who has lived many years of emotional, verbal and other abuses which led me subconsciously to not expect any better for my life and ultimately made me look as though I was a dysfunctional mess. To those that knew I was in fact very intelligent, it made them question me in other ways and about anything I did or didn’t do, when really I was doing good to just go through the motions of life because nothing made any sense as to why me, why have things gone so wrong and why can’t I fix them. When its not you in that position you can easily give advice, but don’t get upset if you feel like you’ve tried to help and it was ignored and although I can only speak for myself, advice I have been given has never been ignored. I heard it each and every time and really took the time to process as best I could but in the end what it boiled down to was time. Kinda like the saying some people have to figure it out on their own, well obviously because with time that person will eventually heal and be able to take advice given to them even if its a year or so later……Don’t judge, because it is true. Some people are so intelligent that they are almost too smart for their own good because that gets them caught up in a vicious cycle leaving them stuck in the same place in life never moving forward. So before you are quick to write off someone think about what Ive just said and don’t give up on them, there are never lost causes, you may have to put distance between you and them but what ever you do don’t let your love from them go because you have to step away. Love from a distance and if they reach out to you by all means if it allows you to give more advice do it and if they have made visible changes, pick up where you left off and let go of the past because from personal experience if they reach out for your friendship and nothing more than more than likely they were a true friend all the while and thats why we are taught to forgive as do we teach our children to forgive. No human being on the face of the earth is perfect or for that matter even close to it. We all fall very short of it ever day. People are victims to circumstance all the time regardless of whether you like it or not and unfortunately no one person handles similar situations the same, thats not an excuse its a fact. It also doesn’t mean that, that person is stupid or lacks the intelligence to comprehend what is going on around them and how to fix it. In all truth you probably lack the ability to understand they don’t realize they are fighting an internal fight just to get up and make it through the day without breaking down because they feel like a failure because they know what they are capable of and the fact that they cant fix what is going wrong around them is not what needs to be done all they need is work on themselves its hard to do that alone and thats why they appear to either not want to take your advice or just don’t care enough to want to change. You may think that you were a good enough friend to them and yes you may have been a good friend but no matter if you have kids your own family or a million things going on true friends make time even if not a lot to be involved. Im guilty of it and in todays time most everyone else is too. Human beings can do anything they want to. There is always time that can be made, even if just a little its still possible, because where there is a will there is a way. I am not saying to do do do. I am simple saying that friends are not perfect but you know as well as I do when a person is a good friend and deserves you to give a little more than you get in return, that same friend you can tell them like it is, or give them advice you think they never take. You can sit back and say that you after allowing them in your life for many years you don’t know what kind of character they have or that they have never done for you in some way. Because if thats the case its you thats the dummy, just saying I wouldn’t keep allowing someone thats always been messed up to stay. Im just saying if you can go out of your way even just once to go see them face to face you never know what that might do for them. Texting and calling is just not the same as human interaction. Go get them and take them along with you do run errands or hangout at your house show them that they matter to your.

Today

I have written in this blog off and on for a few years and I don’t know if I am doing it right according to what does or does not make a good blog or and is appropriate to write. What I have decided is that I am going to blog on a more consistent and regular basis. I am slowly making personal changes in my life that I have talked about doing for so many years. I am far from perfect and have fallen short many times in life, but I made a promise to myself that I would make the changes I need to in order to do better and basically just be a better person to myself, mother to my girls, member to my family, friend to those in my life not related to me, and just be a better human being all the way around. That is all for now though.

#love #family #mother #friend #change

My greatest Debt Owed…

 

My greatest debt owed is to the people who live with me day in and day out who tolerate my lows and inspire my highs.  Occasional bad days do come with the occupation of breathing oxygen on a daily basis & no one is exempt. Always be sure to taste your words before you spit them out and comprehend the meaning behind such words you speak. To say that I have learned to surrender completely, I would be lying to myself if I did.  Surrendering to love is no easy process.  As flowery as that might sound, surrendering to love is just another way of surrendering to the Source.  The mind/ego will keep us in a constant loop until we eventually stop submitting to its will.  Knowing this now,  I have developed a much deeper compassion for the addictive behavior in myself and others.  I am less critical of others now and have learned that part of surrendering is not just loving others but  most of all loving myself just as I am addictions and all.

I am flawed without question.

Recovery from an abuser is never an easy road to take but none the less a necessary one to health and healing. A throbbing heart is a reminder of God. The bruised, damaged and broken are all around us not just ones that are obvious and the ones that ask for help, they are standing next to us everywhere.  Many years of suppressed emotions.  My words are my identity, a way for me to tell who I am on the inside.  Then there’s that voice in my head that I listen to it tell me that I can’t do something, that something is impossible, or that I do not have the skills to achieve something.

This kind of thinking is simply not true, and it keeps us stuck in neutral, instead of moving forward.  We all want things, but to get them, we have to believe in our ability to accomplish them.  We have to change our thinking form “I can’t to “Of course I can.” What we believe, we can achieve.  It is like the famous saying, “whether you tell yourself, or you tell yourself you can’t, One important difference is to learn to turn our failures in to successes.  Many people fail at something and decide that this is and end point.  People who get what they want and achieve greatness simply look at a failure as a lesson and try to see what can be learned from it.  raise money for a lawyer