“HER, ME”

I don’t know if I will ever forgive you for betraying my trust, but I know I have to in order to move forward. I have always been straight forward and honest about my issues. I was there for you when you needed me & and maybe you can’t comprehend the fact that I truly needed you. I spent 7 days in the hospital and I even went so far as to have my friend text you. I couldn’t handle all the things that were not right in my life and I may very well have said a lot of crazy unnecessary things to your, but I assure it was more of a cry for help. I wreck myself daily no doubt about it, but I own every bit of it. I shouldn’t even be alive right now as much blood as I lost the doctor said I survived because God wasn’t ready for me to go. I am far more intelligent than I give myself credit for and I had a lot of quiet time to reflect on all the why’s. I put all of the bad things I endured with him as far out of my mind as possible and that was my first mistake. He broke me down and invaded me physically and mentally. I lived in fear on a daily basis, I didn’t know if he was going to punch me in the face choke me and kill me, or just beat me till I died. I thought just trying to forget would work and it won’t because he is still on top and mentally I realize now that he was and is mentally attacking my sanity. He wants me to see him happy because he knows that I am down right where I have been for a long time. I have to get it all out and undo the damage that should have killed me. I thought no one would understand or that when I told someone they would be so uncomfortable that they wouldn’t and could not really process everything because the things I told them made them feel uncomfortable so they just say I am sorry that happened to you and I just need someone to tell me that I didn’t deserve that and I don’t deserve the continued mental abuse that I continue to have to deal with because he is so cruel to keep my daughter from me for 2 years. I needed someone to tell me that I will make it and be willing to to just be there for me. You saw how awful I looked. When you needed me even with the small stuff I was there and I help you because that’s what friends do. Friends tell you that its not your fault that someone hurt you, friends come over and help you get a room cleaned or what ever else, but most importantly they do not just give up on someone. I get that I said awful things and most I don’t even remember, but you saw my arm and my leg. I looked you in your eyes and told you I needed my friend. I am truly dealing with the pain of it all and in the end I know I have to forgive you and him so that I can focus on me and be the amazing woman I have been all along. I was shutting down because I didn’t know how to say or explain that I was not okay. By the grace of God I am still alive and that in its self has made me truly understand that all the fears I had about what I wend through and continued to go through would be the end of me because I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I am breathing when I shouldn’t be; so I understood that I was more than strong enough to face my demons. He has no power over me and I understand that I don’t have to grieve a lost child but the time taken away. I was so confused on how do I cope without her. I know that I have another child but if it were Kalista instead I would feel just the same. I am done counting my loses. I take my short comings with stride. I really am a good person and I am sorry I spoke so cruel to you. I hope you are happy and stay that way. I really am starting over, when I say I was lost I was. I couldn’t even think of how I would continue, or where I started then I ran into the awesome social worker and how she knew what I needed to do I will never know. I know this may not mean anything to you but I was stuck with I should be smart enough to figure out how to truly change my my life. The simplest things like when I had down time, and felt sad or angry or defeated that I needed something to be there and she really covered all the things that I deal with and will continue to deal with for some time. I was so ashamed of the lack of attention I have given Kalista, but I realize that she needs me and I also realize I need her a whole lot more. All it took was for me to tell her I was sorry and I asked her to sleep with her mama because I didn’t want to sleep alone anymore. As much as I thought my parents would be a certain kind of way, they aren’t and I spend time with them and I can’t tell you how that has slowly but surely become something I never thought possible. We actually have game night and all of us sit in the living room together. Its funny how something so simple as telling them I need to have my family and it wasn’t to late for us to change. I am far from where I am headed, but I am making damn sure I tell myself how proud I am, how beautiful I am and I am intelligent by far more than I could have ever imagined and its not to late to use that so that I can…..

How in the hell do your mourn a child that is still alive???

I havent been able to see my daughter since she was 2 and it seems as though no one on this earth can empathize or show sympathy towards what I deal with on a daily basis.  Im sure out of sight out of mind may work for people but it only cuts off my oxygen a little more everyday and I almost go in to full blown panic attacks if I allow myself to dwell on the fact she was @ years old and not she is 4 going on 5.  Why? just why all the way around has a man that beat me raped me tortured my mind soul and my sanity still winning? why is it everyone sees and goes by whats on the surface what they can see not the underlining lies and deceit that is alive and kicking.  People say oh karma, or what goes around comes around or everything happens for a reason, and I am here to say that I am broken, damaged, and my soul is shattered into a million pieces.  WTF and I dont care judge me bc a the end of the day I’m sure you will be only one of many.

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I have been living in survival mode for a long time now, fight or flight has seemed to be the only option, which quite possibly had me blinded from seeing alternative possibilities.  As a result I have been making decisions that were not about moving toward a future I wanted but away from the one I am very afraid of.

Truthfully I could careless.  I am going to either successfully complain or fail miserably.  Bottom line is you’ve obviously read this far so there you go.
Any who at some point I had truly come to believe that what I had endured and still continue to endure left me “broken” and “ruined.”  I have definitely internalized the perception from court that the message that the guardian ad litem had claimed to be true that I was mentally unstable, a hoarder, jobless, drug addict, hostile and lastly a bad mother.

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So I ask myself how do I get myself out of this trap I have been stuck in for so long.  I was taught to prepare for the worse and hope for the best. My belief that things will go wrong more than the go right.  I have even told myself no one will understand, or no one wants to hear me complain or whatever.

The Greatest relationship you will ever have is with yourself.

Over the past few months I have been truly dealing with personal struggles after sustaining loss of a piece of me and to say it has been a trying time is most definitely an understatement. There is most definitely a huge difference in not wanting to give a fuck and just not being able to give a fuck.  The past few months have continued to test me as a person in ways I haven’t been tested in quite some time or that I can even remember. Its only fair to say that we have that voice in our heads that we listen to, that tells use can’t do some thing that, that some thing is impossible or that we don’t have the skills to achieve something.  But I don’t believe in this kind of thinking simple not true.  This kind of thinking will keep you in neutral, instead of us moving forward.  We all have to believe in in our ability to accomplish them. Even in my situation since losing custody of my youngest daughter I have had most of my independence taken away and worst of all it has taken away from my older daughter that I have with me everyday.  My independence has been stripped and though I have faith that it will come back just the waiting or the trial and error, but when it comes to matters of the heart there is no such thing as safety first.

If we let it our suffering can break us wide open to the suffering of others.  Sometimes the heartbreak of others helps us find the cracks in our own patched together life.  Asserting that love truly does save, love is the only thing that redeems our lifes from self-centered purposelessness. One of my primary revelations has just been how much compassion for myself had been missing.  I discovered as I dug through the mud of my inner life-was a driven, perfectionist, judgmental and impatient girl who was trying her best to get as much distance from a much deeper pain.  Fairly demanding of others in subtle ways never truly realizing it, wanting to be right much of the time and wanting life to conform to my needs to feel safe and valued.  Part of my newly emerging self-compassion is to recognize that this is the human condition.  We want to feel secure and loved. We develop coping mechanisms that uniquely reflect our childhood conditioning and individual temperament.  We want the “rightness” of our point of view and the “necessity’ of our wants validated.
When someone loves us more than we love ourselves we tend to sabotage our relationship with them. The heart is meant to explode with the reminders of what now is my life it is only for the time being.

A Cry for Justice: Siblings Separated, Unjust Family Court Ruling

Wow I see my situation, this is so not a trend or is it? No justice!

Family Court Injustice

Even a baby knows injustice… the heart breaking separation of my children due to an unjust family court ruling. This happens almost every time the visits with my older children end, and they are returned to a home of alleged abuse and dysfunction…

A shrill, desperate scream tore through the night – causing owls to take flight from their perch, watchful eyes swept across dark skies. A shiver raced through my body. My pulse quickened and with another cry, my heart broke into a thousand pieces that could never be put right. I hold my son, a toddler, in my arms as he screamed for his sister—his chubby hands tore at my neck as he struggled to break away, to run to her bright pink jacket disappearing into the night. “Sissy!” he screamed over and over again.

My son cried and fought as I struggled to carry him back into…

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Why and who!? I will tell the world I’m grown, bam. What a mess right, YES YOU ARE, an a sad shame all that time you spend judging.

What do I believe constitutes a good person, in general what?

Or

Why did I start this blog ?

We cannot afford to underestimate the importance and power of our words. The New Testament writer James said that even though the human tongue is a small part of the body, it has the power to make a tremendous impact
(Jas. 3:1-12).

In my short lived, life I’ve found that some people actually act as if when they get to heaven God is going to give them a multiple choice exam on Christian doctrine. These people concentrate on definitely understanding the finer points of theology. Believing they are majoring, unfortunately only doing so in the minors. They can tell you everything there is about the problem of evil, but they scorn and smirk even ignore the homeless person, they rob a sinner of his character, taking away his dignity making him focus on his failures, treat him like a non person, shut off all roads to retreat, and he is left being driving to hardness. With those thoughts….

“I started writing because of a terrible feeling of powerlessness: I felt I was drifting and obscure, and I rebelled against that. I didn’t see what I could do to change my condition. I wanted to control rather than be controlled, to ordain rather than be ordained, and to relegate rather than be relegated.”

This sky is green, this grass is blue. I’ll paint this picture and give it all to you.
Reality, my reality. Where Often I am selfish, Often can be absurd and I get
Moods, they swing, just like the seasons change, “You know Not so great at communication It’s the hardest thing for me to do, speaking is no problem and writing helps me to convey it in ways that make sense.

To be a mouthpiece of any kind in these content-saturated times is an enviable and increasingly rare position, and with this privilege ought come certain responsibilities: An artist’s lyrics should honor the reciprocal contract between artist and listener; they should aim to seduce, puzzle, bewitch or oprovoke something in us that reflects our shared human experience. They should say something to us about our lives. But we as listeners and critics must fulfill our end of this bargain, and hold our favorite artists accountable for what they say — and more importantly, what they don’t say.

We expect our parents to raise us, our grandparents to love us, and our brothers and sisters to always be there for us when the chips are down

Maybe give insight to the in between parts saying it ain’t so, saying I don’t know. When I found this place of peace, I smiled and said it was mine to keep.
My time alone is not always merciful. Helps me see the beauty in my pain.

Insight, my insight that is…..

We live in a time when it is hard to speak from the heart and for the most part life is a routine, it’s not glamorous or exciting, it actually can even be boring.
The world is full enough of grand moralizing and private visions, some people believe that we learn best by wandering forth into an uncharted universe and making sense of the lessons that life provides. While others believe that we learn best by being taught the most complete knowledge possible about a subject, then being sent forth to practice and use that knowledge.
And to end this…… Let me share the moment that inspired this thought.
My youngest daughter was eating cake for my grandfathers birthday and my oldest got frustrated with her because she dumped the whole thing on the floor with a smile of course and my grandfather said to my oldest that she wasn’t educated yet and giggled a little….

This is what I know about sacrifice.

I’ll give this and this is all that I’ve got.

1. This Is What I Know About Sacrifice

They say hindsight is 20/20. Unfortunately it breaks down when you don’t look at your actual past. Life is a series of choices. You wrecked it, it broke. It wasn’t meant to be. An soon and so on.

my story has been chiseled at and infiltrated by a pain i cannot describe without these words, words that radiate something that is luminous more credible and more durable than real facts. I missed out on childhood’s charisma. Stalled in a childhood I wanted to forget, but everyday I am thankful for truly understanding what it means to even be thankful. Some would call it learning to look at the glass half full, but even when it’s empty being grateful there is a glass at all and knowing I am always capable of refilling it under any circumstance. Whether it’s me Just being fortunate or maybe just blessed with a strong will. This is what I know about SACRIFICES. My most important achievement thus far is learning to love me, my imperfections and flaws motivate me and allow me to keep moving forward. Loving me also showed me how to love another and value their love along side my two beautiful girls. Thankful everyday I finally have someone to help carry the load and pick the pieces, even at times when I’m unable or need to regroup because life, especially my life is about constant SACRIFICES, In a world that never stops. It is something I’ve struggled with all on my own for much of it, I had no concept of what healthy boundaries even were and their importance. And as an adult enduring what seemed like an eternity, an ABUSIVE, VIOLENTLY CONTROLLING MAN. Making Everything in life seem to just be passing me by with this daily reminder with even all I possess I cannot endure this forever! It’s next to impossible to see ourselves as others see us. The tides in my life have run against me for which seemed like an eternity and in my deep, dark hours, what a miserable mess right? So my problems are your problems, of course not! Everyday I felt and still feel the thorns and bruises of life, sometimes I wonder have I been cheated? In beauty, charm, and brains? Should I dwell on the things I lack, and become even more miserable inside? Should I let this war between good and evil overcome me. While living my life is an every day struggle, full of twists and turns. And there it hit me I don’t care if I let you down anymore. Tell me what makes it matter. I’m done running and chasing, it’s not too late to change. Even on the edge of goodbye. Mothers love their daughters and I’m a mother, learning to be the best I can at the toughest role I’ve ever known. It is lonely, scary and thankless a lot of the time, but love is such a powerful and rewarding thing. Unconditional love is like wide open eyes that take the good with the bad.
On top of all that I’ve lost, I have not lost that my daughters, being a mother. This is what I know about sacrifice!

AMANDA