I am sure that some people especially to people who my abuser has fooled that I am just trying to start drama or that I am over telling it but if that is the case why does it still cause me to feel suffocated at times or completely paralyzed from any emotion other than that of just utter loss and disgust and empty. And the thinking that I should keep it all in has just about eaten me alive from the inside out. It took a year and a half but I am truly at a breaking point. I have internalized hurt for so long since my youth years to the point that I am physically and mentally unable to maintain. I’ve began to do something I would have never thought I could do and it’s not drugs or alcohol or anything that hurts another person. But because this blog is public I can’t risk saying.
I have tried to take people’s advice and focus all my attention for both daughters on the one that I have in arm’s length. Is that really the answer or healthy for either of us?
I am losing myself because I have allowed so many attacks on my well-being. My minds constant companion is definitely fear induced, fear of it all being purposeless. Its been like a never-ending battle for acceptance and approval of the choices I made in my life. My rhythm in this madness was really a subconscious inner child that had emotional wounds, that I constantly sensed it was based on others needs. Now I realize as a adult that it was my way of coping with my situation as a child causing my personal growth to be very fragile and this discovery felt very demeaning and a ridicule leaving my confidence to feel ashamed which programmed a fear that I was a worthless failure, when actually I was not that at all.
Growing up I had trouble to understanding myself, but fast forward I know myself very well at this point in my life. I am a complicated individual and I’ll be the first to admit that. My present demeanor may be disheveled at time but my memory is sharp as a tack, always have been because I am without a doubt a strong person, I know this because throughout the years I’ve faced many, many, many challenges both emotional and physically, but when met with the option to sink or swim, when it came to the injustices in my life I always paddled on. No matter how personal life got, it was never to personal for me to share, but then lost until now because I had and even still have faith in humanity even if we live in a world that is relentless and can be very cruel.
Story of survival 